Fear and Gratefulness

The unthankful heart...discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
- Henry Ward Beecher

I'm scared. There, I said it. I'm scared shitless right now. E still hasn't found a job, he didn't get the back unemployment that we thought he was going to get, and the bills have to be paid. Now, thanks to the tax refund, we're going to be ok this month but there are no guarantees for next month. We've been in our house for only six months now and I'm not losing it without a fight. But I am afraid.

Some days it gets to me more than others. Like yesterday, for example. Some days my commute home is carthartic as it gives me time to work things out in my head alone. But on days like yesterday, the longer I'm in the car alone the more I can freak myself out. By the time I got home I was a basket case. Poor E didn't know what to do with me. I walked around in a very deep funk and had very little hope. But today is another day and I awoke much more determined today. :-)

It hit me yesterday that I've heard the phrase "When E gets back to work I want..." come out of both of our mouths an awful lot lately. I suddenly realized that we've been spending too much time wanting things we don't have and not being grateful enough for things we do have and I was appalled. It hit me that I don't want a new cell phone, a maid, a pool service, etc. What I want is to keep what I have. What we have finally is a roof over our heads that belongs to us rather than someone else. We worked very hard to get to where we are and we need to spend our energy on keeping it. I am so very grateful for everything we have and I need to remember that at all times. It's time to change our perspective. So until E is back to work and things are solid again, there will be no more "I want" statements.

I've been going through a time where I'm not sure what I believe spiritually. I know that I believe in a higher power but I'm not sure after that. But I do think that wanting what we don't have, especially at a time when we're struggling does not bring good karma. A Higher Power can't be thrilled with someone who is not grateful enough for what they already have that they keep wanting more and more and more. It is a sad reflection on the society in which we live because it seems that no one ever has enough any more. That kind of programming is hard to change.

I'm going to start a new gratitude journal tonight and I'm determined to look for the small things in my day that bring me pleasure. Just now I pulled a can of Soup At Hand out of my desk drawer just knowing that it was creamy tomato because that's all I had left. When I popped the top to microwave it, I realized that instead it was creamy mushroom which is my absolute favorite and which I had been sure I was out of. It gave me pause to be grateful for that simple little pleasure. Tomorrow will be creamy tomato but that's just fine. The unexpected creamy mushroom has made my day. :-)