I am not alone
Last night my therapist/friend T said those words to me. She knows exactly how I feel because she and I are exactly alike. She's also going through a very similar situation so it's comforting to talk to someone who knows exactly where I am emotionally.
Today a comment was posted to yesterday's thread by an Eric who is not my Eric saying those same comforting words. Funny that those words from a stranger are just as comforting. :-) Thank you, Eric.
I am breathing today. It has been a better day than yesterday. I didn't disappear for a couple of hours yesterday, partly because when I got out to my truck I found that my camera bag wasn't in the back and partly because I knew my Eric was hurting just as badly as I was. So I went home to him.
I found him scrubbing the deck with a scrub brush - glad that he'd found a healthy way to channel his emotions. As we were talking, both very hurt and sad, I happened to glance at the pool that we've been working on cleaning for nearly three weeks now. Instead of the blue color it had been when I left for work yesterday morning, it was green. I burst into tears. That was the final straw in a load of crap that I'd been carrying on my shoulders. Now, it's funny today - I think it's hysterically funny - but yesterday - not so funny. :-)
E told the guy that he couldn't work for $9 an hour; that he has to have at least $11. He said the guy really wants him to work for him but doesn't want to pay that amount. I told him then the guy really doesn't want him that bad. This afternoon he's out visiting a couple of other places and filling out applications. I pray something comes up soon.
I've gone through the whole range of emotions - sadness, fury at the idea that E's jobless for the second time in the past three years, hurt, self-loathing, you name it. But now I'm back to ok. No matter what, E and I will get through this together. I am a very strong woman 95% of the time so having a meltdown every now and then is understandable. The most important thing is to pick myself up and keep moving forward. We're going to get a break soon, I just know it.