Mid-Life Ramblings; Sanity Optional

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Tagged yet again!

Since I've been a lazy blogger, Dixie has managed to tag me a second time. :-D So here goes...

1. Total volume of music files on my computer?

Y'all please don't flame me for being such a goober but I don't have any music on my computer. Yes, I know I'm a techno ho who always has to have the hottest cell phone and cool programs. However, in the world of computerized music I lag hopelessly behind. I might as well also use this forum to confess that I do not own an IPod. [egads!]

2. The last CD I bought was?

The Best of Beausoleil

3. Song playing right now:

It's actually quiet here right now except for the sound of Oscar the bird yelling "Hello Birdy Bird" from the living room.

Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me(in no particular order):

a. Grow Old Along With Me - the Mary Chapin Carpenter version. It is my and E's wedding song.

b. Don't Give Me No Lines and Keep Your Hands To Yourself - The Georgia Satellites. Because it cracks me up.

c. Back In Love Again - LTD. Nothing screams high school good times to me like that song.

d. God of Our Fathers - symphonic piece arranged by Claude W. Smith. It was my favorite piece that we played in band. Not only is it beautiful but we had the priviledge of having Mr. Smith give us a workshop and conduct us on this piece just a few years before he died.

e. The Best of Me - Barry Manilow. Well, because it's my darling Barry and because it's about someone who finds his soulmate after years and years of painfull relationships and who hopes he's saved the best of himself for her. Switch the genders and it's my life.

Which 5 people are you passing this baton to, and why -

Stephanie, Tiff, and Miz because I'm new enough to blogging that I don't have very many folks I can tag. :-)


I have been tagged by Dixie. Actually, she tagged me days ago and I've been a bad blogger as I'm just getting around to it now. :-)

Here's how it goes: I pick five of these "If I could..." sentences and finish them, then after I'm all done, I tag 3 more people to do it.

If I could be a scientist...If I could be a farmer...If I could be a musician...If I could be a doctor...If I could be a painter...If I could be a gardener...If I could be a missionary...If I could be a chef...If I could be an architect...If I could be a linguist...If I could be a psychologist...If I could be a librarian...If I could be an athlete...If I could be a lawyer...If I could be an inn-keeper...If I could be a professor...If I could be a writer...If I could be a llama-rider...If I could be a bonnie pirate...If I could be an astronaut...If I could be a world famous blogger...If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...If I could be married to any current famous political figure...

If I could be a gardener I would grow a yard full of beautiful roses like my grandmother had.

If I could be a psychologist it would mean that I'd finished college in my original major and I would enjoy getting into people's heads.

If I could be a llama-rider I would enjoy afternoons with my llamas and I'd probably have some alpacas too.

If I could be a world famous blogger I'd reach out to folks and try to get them to understand how frightening our current politial situation is.

If I could be a professor I'd teach criminal justice courses, Louisiana criminal law in particular.

Now I'm supposed to tag three others so I choose - Stephanie, Tiff, and Miz.

Monday, May 16, 2005


All I can say is Wow! E just got a call back on a job he interviewed for last week. It's a tech position that he's really excited about. They'd said they'd let him know by Wednesday but called today. He starts in the morning and will be making a dollar more an hour than they originally discussed. He's so very excited and I'm just kind of numb. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited but it just hasn't quite hit me yet.

Good ol' me - sitting here thinking that $5 more an hour than what he was making at his last job sounds just too good to be true. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate that about myself. It's hard for me to just let go and enjoy the gift we've been given.

We've been having a great visit with his parents this week. We haven't ventured very far. We've actually pretty much stayed home but it's been such a nice visit. They are great folks. I'm very lucky to have such sweet in-laws. I'm glad they are hear today to celebrate E's new job with us.

Yes, we're going to celebrate. I'm going to let go and enjoy the moment and be thankful for the gift. We are truly blessed and I'm going to make the most of it by reminding myself of that often. :-)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Busy, Busy, Busy

This week E and I are preparing for the arrival of E's parents on Thursday evening. They're en route from Utah and will spend a few days with us. We haven't seen them in at least a year and a half so we're looking forward to the visit. This will be the first time they get to see our new house so E's been cleaning like crazy. (I have the advantage of being at work all day [vbg] ) I've taken Friday and Monday off to spend with the folks so it will be a nice little vacation.

We have friends coming through town on Friday night and we'll be meeting them for dinner then on Tuesday I'll be seeing my friend Stephanie as she makes a visit here in town as well. On the 26th, my cousin Deb arrives for a few days and E's sister S is talking about a June visit. I'm truly looking forward to all of it. I enjoy having people over and especially since it's warm enough to swim, I expect we'll have folks here a lot this summer.

We've spent the last two evenings in the pool. Yesterday was a particularly crappy stressful day for me at work but as soon as I walked out of the building and realized how hot it was, it dawned on me that meant the pool was probably nice and warm. Sure enough, E made a quick check and it was 74 degrees. I told him not to get in my way when I came through the back door. [vbg] I came straight in and changed and went to the pool to wash all that stress away. Boy, did it work! Tonight I was much less stressed but I did exactly the same.

We had our first hummingbird at one of the feeders this evening. I was so excited to see that they've finally found us. I think it was a little female because she was grey. She came back several times and even sat in the tree for a bit so I think we'll see lots more of her.

I'll try to get some blogging in while the folks are here. I'm off for now.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

The Inner Fish Released

The water is crystal blue and quite inviting as the sun shines down upon it. The thermometer says it's only 70 degress Fahrenheit but I can't stand it.

Saturday afternoon by 2 pm I was suited up and in the backyard. E had so graciously blown up my new float earlier so I was ready to go. I slowly made my way down the steps until I was standing in the shallow end then I climbed onto the float and went to heaven. :-) Since it was way too cold to try to swim in, I was content with just floating around in the current for the rest of the afternoon.

This afternoon I waited until 4 pm and was rewarded with water that was one degree warmer than yesterday's. But again my inner fish won out and I spent over an hour just floating in the current, listening to the sounds of the birds and squirrels and the occasional barking of Sophie and Sneauball.

I've always known that I had an inner fish. I swam every chance I got as a child. For several years my dad belonged to the YMBC in his hometown so we spent weekend afternoons swimming in the club pool. Those were the best days. I took swimming lessons every year and even became a lifeguard. I worked at the local pool one summer and really enjoyed it. As I grew older I sort of ran out of places to swim. For a while I went with K and her family once or twice a summer to a condo they rented in Galveston, TX. Not a fan of sand, I would forego the beach for the crystal clear water of the pool. I always headed out calling back to those left in the condo to call me for dinner as I planned to be in the pool until then. :-)

It has always been a dream of mine to own a pool. Now that I'm older and have screwed up knees, swimming is the best exercise I can provide for them. I never expected that we'd find a house with a pool in our price range but here we are.

Today's word at www.gratefulness.org is

"Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy."
Jacques Maritain

As I drifted around that pool I kept saying over and over in my head, "Thank you for this pool, for this crystal clear water, for the sunshine, for letting me be completely relaxed for the first time in several months, for the sound of the birds and squirrels, for the breeze, and for our home and our family." My inner fish has found a home.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Cold Water and Squirrel Business

The pool is finally ready to swim in. Hooray! But...the water temperature is only 70 degrees Fahrenheit with the optimal swimming temperature being in the 78 to 82 degree range. I never thought I'd ever find myself praying for hot weather.

This evening when I got home I put on a pair of shorts and headed toward the pool. I waded down the steps as far as I could then just sat on the edge with my legs hanging in. I must admit it was fantastic. E sat in his chair reading and the dogs sniffed around and watched me kicking the water around. Quite a peaceful evening.

That is until a squirrel fell out of the tree. I was sitting at the edge of the pool holding Sneauball when we heard a loud THWACK! followed by a grey object accompanied by some leaves hit the ground. Sneauball jumped up and ran to the fence to see what it was. I have to admit all I could do was laugh. I'd never seen a squirrel fall out of a tree before. Poor little thing was fine. He got right back up and jumped up into the tree with Sneauball on his heels. I had the giggles over it for a good ten minutes.

We discovered the other day that we have a pair of red-headed woodpeckers living in the tree. The male is quite the cleanly fellow. He entertained us for nearly an hour the other evening as we watched him clean out a crook in the tree. Apparently this is where they've taken up residence and when he arrived home that evening he found it full of leaves and just had enough. So one by one he began throwing the leaves out of the tree. He didn't stop until he was satisfied that his quarters were spit-spot.

Tonight I saw the male woodpecker arrive home so I laid back on the side of the pool to watch him. That's when I noticed the little squirrel that had fallen out of the tree who appeared to be busy at work. We've already got one huge squirrel nest in the tree but I believe this guy is building another. E got his binoculars and joined me and we lay there and watched that little guy hustle one way to get a little branch full of leaves then back to place it in the crook of the tree. One of the other squirrels went up there and I thought he'd give my little friend a hand but apparently he's just the building inspector because he looked at my friend's work then continued on.

I can't wait to see all the new baby squirrels soon. I know we'll have some around because E and I caught a couple of them having squirrel sex on the roof of the breezeway the other day. My friend Lisa was on the phone when I noticed them so E took a picture for us to send to her. As soon as I can get him to download it I'll make sure and send it on its way. I hate to keep her waiting so long for that pic.

It looks like I'll be found floating around the pool this weekend. Although the water is a bit cold, I think that during the afternoon when the sun is warm I can get on my float and just enjoy floating and keeping up with the squirrel business. [vbg]

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Another theft from my friend DixiePeach

Dix, you're going to have to quit finding such cool for me to steal. :-)

I am:
"You're a damn Commie! Where's Tailgunner Joe when we need him?"

Are You A Republican?

Hee Hee Hee - I love it - MINUS 9% Republican. Well, I wouldn't call it "Commie" but I don't think I could get much further away from the conservative agenda. :-)

I am not alone

I've heard the words "You are not alone" twice within the past 24 hours. I have to say that those words are quite comforting.

Last night my therapist/friend T said those words to me. She knows exactly how I feel because she and I are exactly alike. She's also going through a very similar situation so it's comforting to talk to someone who knows exactly where I am emotionally.

Today a comment was posted to yesterday's thread by an Eric who is not my Eric saying those same comforting words. Funny that those words from a stranger are just as comforting. :-) Thank you, Eric.

I am breathing today. It has been a better day than yesterday. I didn't disappear for a couple of hours yesterday, partly because when I got out to my truck I found that my camera bag wasn't in the back and partly because I knew my Eric was hurting just as badly as I was. So I went home to him.

I found him scrubbing the deck with a scrub brush - glad that he'd found a healthy way to channel his emotions. As we were talking, both very hurt and sad, I happened to glance at the pool that we've been working on cleaning for nearly three weeks now. Instead of the blue color it had been when I left for work yesterday morning, it was green. I burst into tears. That was the final straw in a load of crap that I'd been carrying on my shoulders. Now, it's funny today - I think it's hysterically funny - but yesterday - not so funny. :-)

E told the guy that he couldn't work for $9 an hour; that he has to have at least $11. He said the guy really wants him to work for him but doesn't want to pay that amount. I told him then the guy really doesn't want him that bad. This afternoon he's out visiting a couple of other places and filling out applications. I pray something comes up soon.

I've gone through the whole range of emotions - sadness, fury at the idea that E's jobless for the second time in the past three years, hurt, self-loathing, you name it. But now I'm back to ok. No matter what, E and I will get through this together. I am a very strong woman 95% of the time so having a meltdown every now and then is understandable. The most important thing is to pick myself up and keep moving forward. We're going to get a break soon, I just know it.

Monday, May 02, 2005

I hate Mondays

Ok, so maybe I'm not handling all this as well as I've been trying to. Several times over the weekend I had panic attacks in my freakin' sleep. I dreamed that we were at a carnival back home (???) and had committed to provide food supplies that now we could not begin to afford.

Add to that the fact that E called just now to tell me he'd been offered a job at a whopping $9 per hour - $2 less than what he'd been making before and exactly what unemployment is bringing us right now. WE CAN'T MAKE IT ON THAT!! We can't make it on unemployment = we can't make it with a job that pays the same as unemployment. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. All I want to do is go home and curl up in a fetal position in bed and I just might.

This has been the Monday From Hell here at work. The only positive thing that happened here at work today is the boss said I don't have to go to the conference next week. I was so dreading that whole thing.

I know I'm just stressed and it's no one's fault here but I have to get out of here. I have my camera in the car. I may just disappear for a couple of hours and take a ride. I need to breathe and I need to think.

What kind of brain do you have?

Stolen from my friend DixiePeach:

Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!